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Aug. 16th, 2004 @ 10:06 am (no subject)
Ha! I hate you all.

m o v i n g j o u r n a l s ;

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Aug. 15th, 2004 @ 10:35 pm (no subject)
I absolutely despise this thing.

I plan on changing usernames soon.
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Aug. 14th, 2004 @ 06:18 pm note: nihilism icons, chicklet. finish 'em.
Current Music: lost at sea && jamie cullum
You know, I always think of making this journal friends only but am to damn lazy to make all my posts friends only. And since I have a small obsessive side, I'd have to make them friends only.

I like the Tazo tea "Awaken". It's actually pretty good. Sweet enough on it's own, but it allows me to have a random sugar fest and not ruin it.

Now I'm thinking about where I get my personality from. My mother is very passive agressive, relying a lot on words and tones to get her what she wants. She also holds back her anger and rarely let's it go. As a result... she's where she is now. Alcoholism is a good way to kill yourself and get out your anger, I guess. My father, on the other hand, is in-your-face and openly agressive. If he's mad, you know it. He's not afraid to use violence to get himself what he wants. He's also very narrowminded when he wants to. Example? Gay marriage. MALE + FEMALE = GOOD. MALE/FEMALE + MALE/FEMALE = WRONG.

That's all there is to it. No questions. They were a very good counter to eachother's bad traits. In a bad situation my dad goes on the offensive and does what he needs to do and more. With my mom she goes on defensive and just does what she has to, maybe more to be safe. I do what I have to calmly (unlike my father, but very much like my mother) and do more just because it'll give me something to take my mind off of the problem. Like cleaning. I absolutely hate to clean but when I had to call the ambulance on my mother I started to clean. Wash the counters, put the dishes away, sweep a bit. When my dad found out about my brother's dog bite he panicked, pulled him away from the table, and talked about it. Then took him to the ER later that night. I, however, asked him to let me see it. I rolled my eyes and said that he should have told an adult (and stressed how serious it was). I would have waited until the next day to take him.

I mean, if he had rabies, one day wouldn't have done to much. And if it had, too bad, at least he would have had a relativly calm birthday.

... Wow.

I got a new CD. "TwentySomething" by Jamie Cullum. It's actually very good. He has an amazing voice, and when you mix in the piano...

Pah. I want more tea. I have a craving for a cheese sam-ich. I hate cheese sam-iches.

That'll be it for now, kiddos, because I don't feel like typing anymore. Maybe I'll read.
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Aug. 12th, 2004 @ 09:55 am (no subject)
I got hit on by an eleven year old at the water park on Monday.


He kept telling me I was "cute" and that he loved me.

I got hit on by a black kid at the amusement park Tuesday.


He put his hand on my leg while we were going down a huge hill on The Batman: Nightflight (WHICH THEY RENAMED "THE DOMINATOR", ASSHATS). I kindly asked him to move his hand.

"Get your hand off me. Please."

I feel as if people are mocking me.
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Aug. 3rd, 2004 @ 03:12 pm (no subject)
Eh, leaving tomorrow on a six AM flight. Going to be gone a week.

So, no updates for a week. :D
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Aug. 1st, 2004 @ 09:15 pm (no subject)
Ohhhhh, goodness.

There's this dislike, this distaste, this sibling bitch-fest that's going on in my home. Jack and Emma will not lay off on another. Now, I understand biting at the heels of your family just for the sake of pissing them off because you're in a bad mood, but they're just fucking ridiculous.

The recent argument was over the television. I wanted to watch the DVD I had bought Jack for his birthday with him. Emma said she "had" to use it because she's not allowed to eat in Jack's room (thanks to a nice mold incident)... oh, nevermind.

I'm not to sure if I should feel proud of that fact that pointless arguments are taking hold of my life or feel ashamed. On the one hand, that means even though my mom's alcoholism is still way out of control I can get to a sense of "teenage normalcy" that others around me talk about having. Then again, that means the difference I was so proud of is slowly being burried. I don't want that. I enjoy my ability to be me and try to explain myself to people.

Even though it's one of my worser traits, I enjoy the fact that the opinions of people I don't know matter. It gives me something to digest and to think about when I need it.

It seems I'm letting shame and doubt control my life. It's annoying. I try not to, but when I get such harsh tones out of my father for doing absolutely nothing wrong I feel insicure. And when I'm around a bunch of Christians talking about being "saved!" and I no I'm not, I feel even more insicure.

Plah. Rantage. Ignore me. Ignore this. It's pointless. Gah.
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Aug. 1st, 2004 @ 08:48 pm (no subject)
I'm back. Sleep deprived, bee-stung, shaved (as of an hour ago, thank goodness) and back.

I stand corrected. I did have fun.
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Jul. 30th, 2004 @ 08:44 am "it is cheaper to keep her..."
That woman will be the death of me. I swear to God if I get another phone call I will break down and cry. Now I'm selfish, inconsidertate, rude, I can go on with all the things she's called me. Stupid. She's still under that odd idea that insulting me will make me want to see her. Gah. Mothers.

I'm being picked up to go camping at one o'clock. To bad my cold just hit back with full force. I'm going to be coughing, hacking, sneezing, snotting, and everything else for the next few days. Great. I need some tea~.

Got my new glasses yesterday. It was like some revelation. I put them on, looked up, and holy fucking hell I COULD SEE. It was a nice feeling. Then Andrea took my sorry ass clothes shopping (because I can't, apparently my sense of fashion isn't liked by my father) and I bought a Mighty Morphin Power Rangers T-Shirt. I couldn't help it. It was like all of my sweet childhood memories came back and demanded the shirt.

The Blue Ranger was my favorite, if you care to know. Billy could kick Tommy's ass any day. Yes he could. Because Tommy was a "wanker".

I have absolutely nothing else to say and am having trouble breathing.
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Jul. 28th, 2004 @ 12:49 pm two faces to a clown; right side up and up side down
Why is everyone so intent on making me scream? First, my mother called twice yesterday to give me a guilt trip about not being able to see her (nevermind the fact I don't want to) when I go to Ohio and stay with Tegan. My reasoning? It's to out of the way for most of the plans and the last time I did see her she got drunk and I had to call the hospital. She also slept most of the time she was with us, and the other few she started arguments by trying to lay her rules down over my fathers. When I told her all of this she went "Well, obviously." That doesn't even begin to describe it, actually. When she said she was hurt about me not seeing her because of something "more important than your mother, who carried you in her womb for nine months" I responded "I've dealt with that kind of hurt for five years, except for it was an alcohol bottle thatwas more important. Not a best friend who I haven't been able to see in years mainly because of the alcholic." Then she got mad at me for not responding to messages that were left for me that I didn't even get.

I fucking deserve a medal for putting up with all her crap. Especially now, when I'm exhausted because of a cold and don't have a chance to sleep. I can't catch up on my sleep during the day because of babysitting and other crap, and at night I'm an insomniac.

Jack's birthday's today. He's twelve now! Yay! I'm really happy for him. Bought him a DVD with my lack of money and planned on spending time with him on Friday for his party. Except now my dad's making Emma (my younger sister) and I go camping. With Melanie's church. A Baptist church. I'm Catholic. Plus, I'm sick. I haven't been at my own house for two weekends already, a third one right before my trip to Ohio will be to much. I don't have the energy to go camping. I barely have the energy to stay awake. When I talked to my dad about it he went "Well, Melanie was really excited about going... you can go and tell her yourself and see how she feels."

Oh, yes, both of my parents are guilting me into things I don't want to do. Actually, camping sounds fun, because Heather, Melanie, Deja, and a few others from the church are great to be with. Camping when I'm sick is not fun. At all. No matter what the hell anyone says.

I sneeze every two minutes or so, cough my lungs out, can't eat much because then I can't breathe, am barely awake and... I can't write a good rant about how exhausted I am to save my life because now I really am exhausted.

Huaam. I dislike it a lot. I need sleep before we go out for dinner tonight. Maybe I'll catch a nap around two or so.

... Yeah, right. Danny is, once again, being his usual selective hearing self.

"Wait, you said no television? I thought you meant no Gamecube 'cause you said no television when I was playing it..."
"Right, Danny. I'm not stupid. Turn it off and go to Emma's room for ten minutes. Don't give me that attitude, young man!"

I'm about to pass out.
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Jul. 26th, 2004 @ 09:13 am (no subject)
Uhhua, yes. I just got blood drawn (<-- spelling, spelling. 'Tis early).

Exciting. Went to IKEA on Saturday and bought some things, plan on going back. Even more exciting.

Almost passed out in church yesterday. Let's a regular 1 on the exciting list.

And I'm getting new glasses... which actually is exciting, because I can't see that well at the moment and it's driving me up the wall.

I think I'll go back to bed now.
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